A little Soul Bearing

I've been needing to share something with you that is a little, let's say; unfortunate (you know, I write the word unfortunate and that's all I can come up with?). I don't want to approach this topic too lightly but at the same time I feel apprehensive 'putting it all out there'. When I started this blog, I use it as a way to share creative ideas, tutorials, crafting and decorating...rarely do I go any deeper and if I do, it's not about the bad stuff. I do consider it a flaw in my writing but I'm not a heart on her sleeve kind of gal. It's just not in my nature, I tend to hide my insecurities and minimize the situations I'm going through. I'm pretty inept at sharing everything. I rationalize this by saying things like "Someone is going through something worse than me (I know there is!)" or trying to put on my 'game face' and usually I think who wants to read anything other than the aforementioned topics anyway? I created a mental line where I put my creative self out there and keep the problem self here at home. I know that's not the 'right' way to do it, but I am a Gemini after all.

But I am going to do it, I am going to stretch my personality.

Several months ago, ten to be exact, many of you know, I underwent surgery to remove a tumor that had grown on my adrenal gland. In the beginning, the doctor didn't believe it was cancer. Adrenal cancer has a habit of attaching itself to the adrenal gland, the liver, the spleen, any of surrounding organs but my tumor was only attach to the gland. So because it was 'contained' they didn't think it was cancer. I went through the surgery with a happy (though scared) heart thinking that I would eventually be myself again. Once I was in surgery, the tumor was much larger than anticipated and was also attached to the celiac artery. So even though my diagnosis changed to Adrenal Cortical cancer, I still felt relieved that we were able to get the whole tumor and repair the artery.

I was in pain, but I was happy.

The recovery time took longer than I thought. I was naive to think I was going to be over it in a week or so... and yes, I read all the booklets and pamphlets they gave me about surgery, and nothing prepared me for what I went through. I had absolutely no idea. Thank God for a strong family support that helped me through it and helped take care of my children. I went to doctor appointments every two weeks and further out, once a month. I started seeing an oncologist, to keep an eye on the tumor site and if anything else developed. I was getting cat scans every month. Month, by month, I kept getting stronger and stronger and most of the problems that I had prior to surgery were better. A couple of months ago, the cat scan revealed two nodules on my lungs. They were small and we decided to just keep an eye on them. This past monthly cat scan, revealed the nodules on my lungs were bigger and two more appeared on my liver, and one on my breast. So even though the tumor had been 'contained' because it was attached to the celiac artery, the cancer cells travelled. Needless to say it was not the news we wanted to hear.

And here we are today, I am paralyzed with fear and feel positively depressed. Spontaneous tears flow, and I am merely existing right now.

I am trying to work through the depression and I hope by getting this 'off my chest' it will help.

So what is the plan? The doctors in St. Louis feel they've done all they can and have given my case to the National Cancer Institute. I have an appointment in Bethesda, MD on Wednesday....coming next week on the 22nd. There are doctors that specialize in adrenal cancer and depending on what all happens (at the appointment) I will most likely begin chemotherapy and later an experimental drug. My MIL is going with me and my sister is driving up from NC so I will have lots of support.

I am trying to pull it together, give it to God and hold my head high, and I'm looking forward to seeing what the new doctors have to say.

I'd love your prayers.