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Sunday, September 1, 2013

What's Happening Now

 I feel like I'm slipping...like a lot. It dawned on me when I was looking through pictures of this time last year...hardly any pictures of my boys or our life, not any of crafts, projects, or tablescapes either (which I realize is not important, but still a big part of me). You guys know I take pictures all. the. time. and of everything. I haven't been present for a very long time and it bums me out. I realize that chemotherapy was occupying the majority of everything.....I just haven't been myself. Looking at pictures and the huge gap in time made me painfully aware.
I'd like that to change, but I really don't know if it will. My latest CT scans are positively depressing. Tumors are growing and more appearing, and there's another mass growing in between my liver and stomach.

Thanks to the beauty that is Instagram,  I have some pictures of my trips to MD Anderson. I've finally started the trial medication and the doctor said  we are "cautiously optimistic" that the medicine will stop the cancer from growing. For some reason cautious and optimistic used together isn't very soothing, but I know I'm in God's hands and well, that's soothing.
I've been taking the drug for 10 days now and been to Houston 4 times. I find Houston VERY intimidating, busy and crowded. I just have to get use to it, I know. 
Palms. Can we talk about palm trees? I find it very strange, maybe because I spent my life on the east coast, to see palm trees in Texas. Florida, yes, South Carolina, yes...Houston? Are the winters mild? Must be....I should Google that.

The day the trial started. I've been fasting since midnight, coffee deprived and completely cranky. Give me the flippin' medicine already....errr....I mean, I'm so thankful they chose me to participate in a potentially life saving study.


Down the hatch. My MIL took this picture for me. 4 little capsules and a 7 hour blood draw-meaning I had to stay in the hospital and they drew blood every hour to make sure everything was going ok.  I had another blood draw the next day (Friday) and was able to leave. We got home late and I was soooooo exhausted. We left Monday returned on Friday and I felt much like a lab rat myself. Luckily, Elaine kept Logan for me because I slept Saturday and Sunday away.

 But then I was better and able to listen to this guy talk and tell me about his week with daddy and me-maw-maw (great-grandma)

 I also went to my hair stylist for a trim...at least that's what I wanted. I got a holy crap that's short cut instead. She is extremely gifted with a pair of scissors, but I was bald just a few months ago-I feel like I'm practically starting over again! I know, it'll grow out again. Justin asked me: "Are you ever going to let your hair grow long again?" I'm getting back to him on that.

Back to Houston again (keep in mind I have to go back weekly for a month). This time I went alone because it was just two days and I decided to fly. They took a shocking amount of blood and I made the flight back out that afternoon. I met a lady in the lobby while waiting for my shuttle to the airport. She has thyroid cancer and we "talked shop" for about an hour. It's nice to talk to someone who has cancer that understands what you're going through, as weird as that may sound. I have friends that I have made here that I write that are battling too, I finally fit in a club! ;)

Back home again...Football season has started. He's been training and practicing for months now. I knew it was coming and it's finally here. If you live in or around Webb City Missouri, football is where it's at (I got 2 turntables and a microphone...name that song ;) Anyway, scattered-11 time state champs and Keegan is proud to be a part of it. Friday morning happiness.


I made it to the game. In the sweltering heat, and stayed the WHOLE game (barely). It was crowded and hot and no one cared. We won-a great start to the season. Selfies with this guy too? I'll take it.
 P.S. I refashioned a tee shirt that wasn't girly enough, you can see a little of it here. I used THIS tutorial and while Cathy's tank is much more sophisticated, I loved the look for the football game too. Pom-pom shoulders!! I'm channeling the inner cheerleader I never was!! 
The only thing I did differently; I tied the shoulder strings in knots to hide the stitching instead of gluing on beads, you'll see what I mean when you get over there, and I used 7 instead of 5. I did this literally the same afternoon as the game.

So even though I don't feel like I'm doing enough, I'm not present enough-I need to start thinking about all the things that I am doing and know it's enough. Man, that's hard to do. 
Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers, I can't say that enough.
I hope everyone has a GREAT Labor Day!
2011-12-013

29 comments:

  1. :) Love your t-shirt! I'm sending hugs and prayers. I understand that you are seeing the change in your activity level compared to your past, but that is to be expected. I have been astounded at all you have managed to do both here, with your family, travel and your business areas. I'd just like to remind you that most people who blog don't do it every day, don't have your other businesses and surely aren't in the battle you are. Be kind to yourself. You are doing amazing and with an attitude that is outstanding and surely pleasing to God. You are an inspiration and we love you! Don't listen to that condemning voice, it isn't of God. You are His beloved daughter and He is proud of you and upholding you every moment. His plan for you is good, no matter what. We just have very limited vision. God bless you, you are loved!

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  2. Michelle it wasn't long after I found your blog that you became I'll and my heart sank. You are so so so talented in so many ways that I can never be. Don't you fret, I have faith in God and I'm praying you'll get back at it. So just take care of yourself. One day at a time. That's all any of us have. Prayers, Carol

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  3. I have started writing to you several times now and am not able to find the right words. Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and praying for you every day Michelle, and that I think you are one incredible lady. XO Barbara

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  4. My heart wants to cry for you,then my mind says GO,FIGHT,WIN!
    You look great. Kinda think short hair rocks on you!
    Hugs!

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  5. I think you are amazing and doing far more than you think. I live in TX and yes we have mild winters. In fact, some years, not a winter at all. Houston is a coastal city, so palm trees love it there. It probably isn't what people think of as TX though is it? I have you in my daily prayers and just know these little pills will do their job!! Sending warm hugs to you!

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  6. I'm always so glad when you are able to post. I don't seem to have the words that I want to say. But I am praying for you and send you all our love even if we don't know one another.

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  7. I agree with everything Lynette said, you ARE AMAZING! I personally don't know how you do all the things you do and your attitude is so beautiful. My prayers are added to all the others...you have an amazing God....you and He make a wonderful team.........keep leaning on those everlasting arms...He's got you.. Love your cute shirt and the even cuter haircut. I know what you mean about going for a trim and feeling like you come out about 4 weeks too short!! But, it really does look cute on you Michelle! Blessings, Linda

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  8. I can't believe you are doing as much as you are considering what you are going through. So sorry about the bad news with the tumors. I pray for you every day. Hopefully the meds aren't making you feel too bad--you look great! I don't like short hair much either--but that is quite the stylish cut. Thank you for posting--I think of you so often (and pray for you) I love you keep us updated on how things are going.

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  9. sending out prayers to you and your family.

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  10. I really like the haircut. Sending prayers for you and your family!

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  11. I am amazed at what you are able to do while going through your cancer struggle. I also had cancer a year ago and know how it takes over your life, as well as that of everyone who loves you. You're awesome! Many, many prayers coming your way.

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  12. It IS amazing that you are sharing your life....the good, bad and ugly. LOVE your hair...you look like a fighter with a capital F!! Sending strength...lots and lots!!

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  13. You are an amazing women and are proving "you can do hard things!" I'm so sorry with your latest results, but am so glad you started with your trial drugs. Praying they will work and do the job you need! By the way, I LOVE YOUR HAIR! It looks so cute on you! Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!

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  14. I'm with the other gals.....you're doing an amazing job parenting and blogging, Michelle, while in the midst of this big storm. Just picture your readers wearing our t-shirts with pom-pons on the shoulders cheering you on! Fight, Michelle, Fight!!

    Continued prayers,

    Missouri Barb

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  15. All the junk you have to deal with and you still look cute in your photos! Take care and continuing to send prayers.

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  16. Your son must have been so proud of his beautiful mom at the game! The t-shirt is so cute. I doubt I could pull that off with out it looking like a homemade- t-shirt - made - right - before- the - game - nightmare. You have a gift! Love your hair too! I am so glad you started the treatment. I have been praying for you when God brings you to mind which is almost every day and often more than once! He loves you!

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  17. Your hair is adorable, the drugs will help, and we don't mind if you take occasional breaks...just want you better!

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  18. You. Are. Amazing. A shining example of courage and grace and beauty. I wish you all good things.

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  19. Slipping? You seems like an inspiration to me and btw..you rock that haircut. Sending prayers and healing thoughts your way.

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  20. Michelle you are amazing and in no way are you "slipping"! Praying for this new drug to have positive results. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please be gentle with yourself.

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  21. God is certainly able! Be strong Michelle.

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  22. My goodness girl, you are "hell for strong"!!! Aren't you just amazed at yourself?! You should be!! Did I read the word "slipping"? That must have been a typo, you aren't even near "slipping"! You have got yourself one great full plate and two for side dishes. The mere fact that you are writing about this shows that you are taking it on. Don't compare last year with this year...things are different this year. A lot of things are different, not just your illness, your concerns, your thoughts, your priorities, all of those things. Doesn't mean they are wrong, just "different". You do the healing and I and all of your faithful fans will do the praying and the thinking. Many prayers can do BIG work. You, don't feel obligated to "do" anything except what you want and do it in the way best for you. You be blessed, Michelle, my prayers are with you.

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  23. Slipping?! No, you're adapting to everything that's going on in your life, and you're conserving energy for your fight. You inspire us all. You're one of the strongest people I've ever known, and we haven't even met!

    You are in the thoughts and prayers of SO MANY people, and certainly are in mine.
    Lots of love and prayers and good thoughts from one of your (as yet unmet) friends,
    Cindy S.

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  24. You are an INSPIRATION.
    Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.
    Robert Louis Stevenson

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  25. I'm a nurse working in a hospital - The Woman's Hospital of Tx - right down the street from MD Anderson. The miracle hospital I call it. So many people who have been helped in that special place. Some of them friends of mine. Michelle, I pray for complete healing for you and the peace that passes all understanding for you and your family.
    If you need anything while you're in the big city of Houston, just yell. I'm right down the street.

    Let God be the strong one. He can handle it.

    Blessings,
    Sandy C.

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  26. Sending prayers for you, Michelle. Your haircut looks adorable and I am so happy that you were able to see your son's football game!

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  27. You look beautiful as does your family, thinking of you every day and sending you healing energy!!

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  28. I found this BlogSpot looking for crafts and found a beautiful courageous woman and her family. Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take but how many take our breath away. I will pray for you, for peace and to heal. Lots of love to you and your family.

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Thank You for taking the time to comment! Because of the insane amount of spam comments, I had to stop anonymous comments-sorry for the inconvenience.
Michelle