Sunday, August 19, 2012

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part



I find it extremely hard to believe that my boys are back in school already. I can't decide whether the summer has flown by or if because of chemo gone by at a snail's pace. I feel guilty that the boys haven't really had a "fun" summer and basically been watching me go through chemo week, recovery week(s), decent week and then right back to chemo week. It's a vicious circle.

Logan started first grade and a different school. I like how this school system starts in the middle of the week...I think that helps the kids adjust and then it's the weekend without feeling overwhelmed. If you are wondering why you don't see any pictures of Keegan...well, he just flat out refused 'first day of school pictures'. That's ok though, I plan on getting some next week whether he wants to or not. It's my duty as a mother to get pictures! :)


 School started during chemo week (yikes!) and here I am two days into treatments, bloated with fluids...at least I hope that's what it is ;) My MIL has been an angel, especially this week. We knew it was going to be tough with school and chemo. She has been running around like a champ for me. Getting prescriptions, grocery shopping, doing the dishes, sitting with me in chemo, bringing me lunch during chemo, taking the boys to school, and picking them up etc.....all while working. She is the greatest.
 For some reason, I haven't been telling you the results of my latest 2 cat scans...probably because I've been disappointed in the results. To catch you up to speed...I was to have six months of chemo to try to shrink tumors on my lungs and liver with CT scans after every two treatments. I was really excited to get the results of the first scan....I was expecting the tumors to be smaller...you know, "let's get this cancer!!"...but they weren't. In fact one had even gotten larger. The majority of them are stable. The doctor said this was not bad....well, it is when you daydream about tumors shrinking and/or completely disappearing! The second scan yielded much of the same: stable.

Logan at his desk, how cute! I love this age!
 Well, six months is finally here. This past week was my last week. I should be feeling a little more positive, but really I don't. I might have to stay on chemo.....and basically: I don't wanna!! (Insert whiny voice)
I have my third and final CT scan (for a while) in three weeks and it will determine whether I stay with chemo or not. So I have to wait. For three weeks. I'm sure that it will get here pretty quick and I will be complaining about having to drink the barium....but I am certainly not getting my hopes up.

Last weekend, I planted some succulents in my little homemade planter. Do you remember these? Succulents are about the only thing surviving right now with the drought conditions.
 It won't be long and I will be adding more mums and kale to the flower bed
What I think will happen, although it could change, is that I get the CT scans in hand and go back to NIH in Bethesda. Maybe they will start me on the experimental drug now (that is for my kind of cancer) and forgo the chemo for now (please, please, please). But we will see, right?
The waiting is the hardest part...any Tom Petty fans out there?? :)

I am signing off for now, but I want to thank you all for the emails and comments. I read each one and I know I can't always reply....although I do try...thank you!
2011-12-013


25 comments:

  1. Michelle, I have been thinking of you here in Australia...Wishing you all the best for the next few weeks - stay strong.
    Suzyq

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  2. Michelle, thank you for the update! I am praying for you and I am hopeful that the next tests will show some positive change. Please know that I am thinking of you and wishing you the best!!! Big (((HUGS))) to you!

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  3. I pray for healing for you. Your boys are blessed to have a mom who is fighting so hard for them. Cherry Kay

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  4. Michelle, I hope for you the best with your tests and hopefully you wont have to stay on the chemo and can go to the drug you want. I find it amazing how totally optimistic you sound in the depths of all of this. So don't think you're being whiney as I think you're just the opposite, an inspiration to us all. Carol

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  5. Michelle...praying for you and admiring your courage through all that you are enduring. Logan is adorable...I love that age too. Stay positive...and make sure when you drink that barium it is cold! (It is wee bit easier to take if it's cold.) And yes I am a big Tom Petty fan and his song jumped into my head as soon as I read the title of your post!

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  6. Michelle,
    Cancer is nasty...and chemo really, really stinks! I've been there, so be assured I will be praying for you. We are having a special service tonight at church for those in need of healing. I will stand in proxy for you believing that God is The Great Physician and Healer. God bless you, Susie

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  7. Sending your strength and positive thoughts! Stay strong lady!

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  8. Wishing you all the best. Hope your test comes back with good news. You are amazing!

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  9. Michelle: Glad you have your MIL there for you. She sounds wonderful. I admire your courage so much and, it must be so hard, but keep up the spirits and hope that the new tests will allow you to go on the drug that you want. I'm thinking of you..Have a good week, Judy

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  10. I too am praying for you every day. Love the back to school pictures.
    hugs, hugs, hugs.
    Diane

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  11. Michelle, thanks for the health update. I pray for you so much. You are an inspiration through this all and as I'm sure it's difficult to get through the crazy weeks, keep your wonderful positive attitude. God is working through you. Hang in there Wonder Girl!

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  12. I wanted to tell you that I am getting ready to go back to my first day of work tomorrow as a teacher and today I am going in as well in my classroom to work, and well, I was whining and belly-aching about the whole thing to myself. Then I read your post. I have absolutely no reason to whine! You are an inspiration. I pray that your chemo can stop soon and you can start feeling better. Now that the boys are back at school, you should hopefully be able to rest more. Your son is ADORABLE. I teach first graders and they are the cutest with their little outfits, new bookbags, and shiny cheeks! I love the picture of the two of you. You look beautiful.

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  13. Sending you healing energy and positive thoughts, back to school pictures are so sweet

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  14. I love how you keep making your art through it all. Let me encourage you to recognize where the discouragement comes from...and tell it to go back to _________!!! May the God of all hope strengthen you, heal you, and keep your eyes fixed on him.
    Happy Back to school days!

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  15. I don't sign up for blogs but I believe I was supposed to in order to pray. I have a brain injury confined home but I taught first grade so I know what I'll pray your son learns, I'll pray for miracles, that someone read you all accounts of Jesus healing... I have a train whistle I hear for my urgent prayers. You are being added to that list!
    Plus I'm going to try your pot inside the birdbath with succulents. I used to use flowers in pots but there was standing water after watering--not good w/West Nile Virus in our city. I'm excited to try this! At fall my husband buys and arranges the pumpkins and gourds for me so I love the birdbath for adding interest at my door!
    Blessings,
    Gwen

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  16. Hang in there. We're still praying for you in Virginia! Such cute shots of your little boy.

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  17. I am still praying for you here in the Rockies! I love your succulent garden. Very inspirational and a reasonable/doable project! Love it!

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  18. Michelle~ I just want to let you know I am praying for you. I follow your blog faithfully. I pray God heals you and draws you closer to himself. Hugs and healing to you! <3

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  19. I'm currently going through chemo for my second cancer and I know how hard it is to put one foot in front of the other some days. I whined all the way to chemo today because I just didn't think I could do it but I did. You make it look so effortless. I haven't even posted on my blog in forever because nothing good is going on here and who wants to hear about nausea and hair loss. Try not to worry about your upcoming scans. Worry is stress and that's not good. I try to remember you get through things like this the same way you eat an elephant, one bite at at a time. Prayers coming your way from Mississippi.

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  20. I thinking of you wisihing you all the best, Please know that i an thinking of you and your family prayers and hugs....stay positive..Pat H

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  21. I'm sending positive thoughts your way and hoping that you get great results on your next scan!

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  22. Michelle, I'm sending positive vibes your way non stop. I'm sad you are having to deal with this.
    Love seeing your little guy at his desk. First grade was my favorite grade to teach. ;-)

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  23. Sister, it's me again. I was just catching up on your last few entries . You still amaze me each time to see what idea you have done. The information you share about yourself it touches the heart of so many , the comments and prayers are uplifting to me. I am so thankful to them all for cheering you on in words and prayers. praying for you always love klair ps kiss the boys

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  24. I haven't been in the blog world in a while, but I just started back. I love your beautiful blog and will be praying for you and your journey. Thank you for being so brave! Take Care.

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Thank You for taking the time to comment! Because of the insane amount of spam comments, I had to stop anonymous comments-sorry for the inconvenience.
Michelle