Friday, October 18, 2013

Strong And Courageous

I've been rolling around in self pity lately. We won't put a time frame on how long the wallering has gone on-I'm still doing it after all. What I'm trying to do and it seems to be taking a while this time is get back on my feet after my last trip to Houston. I'm still trying to work out the disappointment and broken heart. I haven't been able to write but I think it might actually help-I know it has in the past.
I had an appointment in Houston, I'd been going weekly overnight trips, taking the trial pills, getting to know my doctors, getting to know my way around MD Anderson...this trip included the CT scans to see what the tumors are doing and if the trial pills were doing anything. I had all the tests the day before and the doctor appointment the next day.
The news is not good. CT scans revealed the tumors are larger...which means the trial drug isn't working. So it's over. Just like that.
I'm upset.
I'm very disappointed and quite devastated. I thought this was going to be IT!! I realize there is no cure for my cancer, but the drug promised to stop the growth so I can live with the cancer and it didn't.
I am still working on emotionally dealing with the let down and physically...well, it's a work in progress too. The part of my lungs that the cancer is pretty big is constricting my airways, so I get winded walking from one end of the house to the other...reading books to Logan aloud has become difficult too.  I'm just going to have to take it slow(er) and start coping with what I can do now, not what I can't do any more.
So what are we doing next? I start chemotherapy again, next week, with a new drug. It's just one day a week for 3 hours (that includes, fluids, nausea meds, etc.). We will see what this drug does, it's got a laundry list of side effects that I'm not looking forward to, but gonna do it anyway.
So while God works on my broken heart and body, I appreciate your prayers. So many of you have emailed me and reached out on FB, thank you!