Strong And Courageous

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I've been rolling around in self pity lately. We won't put a time frame on how long the wallering has gone on-I'm still doing it after all. What I'm trying to do and it seems to be taking a while this time is get back on my feet after my last trip to Houston. I'm still trying to work out the disappointment and broken heart. I haven't been able to write but I think it might actually help-I know it has in the past.

I had an appointment in Houston, I'd been going weekly overnight trips, taking the trial pills, getting to know my doctors, getting to know my way around MD Anderson...this trip included the CT scans to see what the tumors are doing and if the trial pills were doing anything. I had all the tests the day before and the doctor appointment the next day.

The news is not good. CT scans revealed the tumors are larger...which means the trial drug isn't working. So it's over. Just like that.

I'm upset.

I'm very disappointed and quite devastated. I thought this was going to be IT!! I realize there is no cure for my cancer, but the drug promised to stop the growth so I can live with the cancer and it didn't.

I am still working on emotionally dealing with the let down and physically...well, it's a work in progress too. The part of my lungs that the cancer is pretty big is constricting my airways, so I get winded walking from one end of the house to the other...reading books to Logan aloud has become difficult too.  I'm just going to have to take it slow(er) and start coping with what I can do now, not what I can't do any more.

So what are we doing next? I start chemotherapy again, next week, with a new drug. It's just one day a week for 3 hours (that includes, fluids, nausea meds, etc.). We will see what this drug does, it's got a laundry list of side effects that I'm not looking forward to, but gonna do it anyway.

So while God works on my broken heart and body, I appreciate your prayers. So many of you have emailed me and reached out on FB, thank you!

  

What's Happening Now

 I feel like I'm slipping...like a lot. It dawned on me when I was looking through pictures of this time last year...hardly any pictures of my boys or our life, not any of crafts, projects, or tablescapes either (which I realize is not important, but still a big part of me). You guys know I take pictures all. the. time. and of everything. I haven't been present for a very long time and it bums me out. I realize that chemotherapy was occupying the majority of everything.....I just haven't been myself. Looking at pictures and the huge gap in time made me painfully aware.

I'd like that to change, but I really don't know if it will. My latest CT scans are positively depressing. Tumors are growing and more appearing, and there's another mass growing in between my liver and stomach.

Thanks to the beauty that is Instagram,  I have some pictures of my trips to MD Anderson. I've finally started the trial medication and the doctor said  we are "cautiously optimistic" that the medicine will stop the cancer from growing. For some reason cautious and optimistic used together isn't very soothing, but I know I'm in God's hands and well, that's soothing.

I've been taking the drug for 10 days now and been to Houston 4 times. I find Houston VERY intimidating, busy and crowded. I just have to get use to it, I know. 

Palms. Can we talk about palm trees? I find it very strange, maybe because I spent my life on the east coast, to see palm trees in Texas. Florida, yes, South Carolina, yes...Houston? Are the winters mild? Must be....I should Google that.

The day the trial started. I've been fasting since midnight, coffee deprived and completely cranky. Give me the flippin' medicine already....errr....I mean, I'm so thankful they chose me to participate in a potentially life saving study.

Down the hatch. My MIL took this picture for me. 4 little capsules and a 7 hour blood draw-meaning I had to stay in the hospital and they drew blood every hour to make sure everything was going ok.  I had another blood draw the next day (Friday) and was able to leave. We got home late and I was soooooo exhausted. We left Monday returned on Friday and I felt much like a lab rat myself. Luckily, Elaine kept Logan for me because I slept Saturday and Sunday away.

 But then I was better and able to listen to this guy talk and tell me about his week with daddy and me-maw-maw (great-grandma)

 I also went to my hair stylist for a trim...at least that's what I wanted. I got a holy crap that's short cut instead. She is extremely gifted with a pair of scissors, but I was bald just a few months ago-I feel like I'm practically starting over again! I know, it'll grow out again. Justin asked me: "Are you ever going to let your hair grow long again?" I'm getting back to him on that.

Back to Houston again (keep in mind I have to go back weekly for a month). This time I went alone because it was just two days and I decided to fly. They took a shocking amount of blood and I made the flight back out that afternoon. I met a lady in the lobby while waiting for my shuttle to the airport. She has thyroid cancer and we "talked shop" for about an hour. It's nice to talk to someone who has cancer that understands what you're going through, as weird as that may sound. I have friends that I have made here that I write that are battling too, I finally fit in a club! ;)

Back home again...Football season has started. He's been training and practicing for months now. I knew it was coming and it's finally here. If you live in or around Webb City Missouri, football is where it's at (I got 2 turntables and a microphone...name that song ;) Anyway, scattered-11 time state champs and Keegan is proud to be a part of it. Friday morning happiness.

I made it to the game. In the sweltering heat, and stayed the WHOLE game (barely). It was crowded and hot and no one cared. We won-a great start to the season. Selfies with this guy too? I'll take it.

 P.S. I refashioned a tee shirt that wasn't girly enough, you can see a little of it here. I used THIS tutorial and while Cathy's tank is much more sophisticated, I loved the look for the football game too. Pom-pom shoulders!! I'm channeling the inner cheerleader I never was!! 

The only thing I did differently; I tied the shoulder strings in knots to hide the stitching instead of gluing on beads, you'll see what I mean when you get over there, and I used 7 instead of 5. I did this literally the same afternoon as the game.

So even though I don't feel like I'm doing enough, I'm not present enough-I need to start thinking about all the things that I am doing and know it's enough. Man, that's hard to do. 

Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers, I can't say that enough.

I hope everyone has a GREAT Labor Day!

Houston, We Have A Problem...

I'm learning very quickly that cancer trials are unpredictable. I was not prepared for that. Plain and simple. I am coming off of consistent chemotherapy for a year and 3 months....when I went to MD Anderson to see if I was eligible for this trial-I thought I'd be rolling on into the the next phase of trying to beat this thing. I haven't had chemo in 4 months and I'm a little scared. Just what are those tumors doing in there? I can feel the effects on most days as I've shared before...but I don't want to fade away while waiting for this trial to begin. I guess I am a little frustrated that the trip that I was to go on this week didn't work out. 

There was an oral chemo drug that I took daily (11 pills!) that has to be completely out of my system before the trial can begin and long story short...it isn't. So there has been hang ups on their end and I guess on my end too. 

Justin and I were to leave on Tuesday and I was completely miserable at the thought of missing the kids first day of school. I'll just say it: stage 4 cancer makes you not.want.to.miss.a.thing....

So on Monday, I took the boys out to lunch to get some time in together before I was suppose to leave-thank you guys for suggesting that! Via Instagram, here we are, bellies full:

(Can you tell Keegan is just tolerating me? Ha) sweetsomethingdesign if you'd like to join me over on the gram.

The week before school, we ran up to Carthage to Precious Moments Chapel. I took some pictures of the boys and meandered through the chapel and grounds. It really is peaceful out there.

But guys. I didn't miss the first day of school. That is what good came out of the appointment falling through. I might of cried a little. My boys are growing so fast! I had the Houston trip on my mind so much that I've been a picture taking fool (not that I'm not anyway). I figured, why stress myself out just getting pictures on "the first day of school"....I'm dedicating the whole week to getting pictures. I'm just glad I'm here.

I want to get some good photos of Keegan, probably this weekend. Right after school is football practice so I haven't been able to get him where he's not too exhausted for pictures. 

Also, my sweet potato vine is massive! It has completely taken over the walk way and swallowed up even the birdbath. I love it though and we've just been walking around it on a small little strip of walkway. The green is SO bright and fresh.

I want to say a few things too, since this post is completely wishy-washy and sporadic anyway. I get emails often asking questions about projects here and there, how I did this or that and I answer....but then I get another email apologizing that they read further about the cancer and all....don't be sorry! I can still answer questions and help as much as I can. Now when I was going through chemo and in bed for days at a time, that was different-but I'm not bed ridden or anything I still do laundry and dishes (ugh), I can answer your questions. I just wanted to say that. If I feel like  I can't blog/answer emails at all, I'll just say so. Having said that, I know I don't post very often any more and when I do it's usually updates on my health...so thank you all for sticking around. Do I miss decorating, tablescapes and projects-YES! But this is what it is right now so I'm dealing. I appreciate the prayers and encouragement, you all help me so, so much. Know that.

Update

 

Let's start with a pretty picture, shall we (taken on my trip home)? It's been over a month since I've sat down to type, but I felt today was a good day to write, so here I am. I think the last time I left you I was due for my next chemo treatment....We'll start from there. 

Along with chemo I was to see the doctor to find out the results of my latest CT scan. I saw the doctor first and I will just blurt it out, the cancer has spread and gotten larger, especially on my lungs. The chemotherapy is just not working. So I didn't even get chemo that day...what for? It's not doing it's job so why go through the process? Since this regimen was the last line of treatment (and it won't be continued), this is basically it and at the rate of growth, the doctor gives me less than a year to live. 

You can imagine that I wasn't very happy, I'm not happy, in fact like a blubbering mess. Since the oncologist here can't do anything further, he referred me to MD Anderson which is a cancer center in Houston Texas. Have you heard of it? I never had. It's a world class teaching hospital that has lots of trials. I had my records and scans sent over to Houston and within 2 weeks, my MIL and I drove to Houston to see these new doctors. I should mention that the trial I was waiting for at NIH ended! SO MD Anderson became front and center. 

I saw the doctors and they think I am perfect for a trial that is starting almost immediately. It is just a pill, but it's never been tested on humans so basically no one knows how I will react or tolerate the pill...but I've got to try something. Unlike the doctor here, they didn't want to put a "time" on my life expectancy. What I'm trying to focus on is that this pill is for my type of cancer and maybe it will work.

I am also working very hard on giving this burden to God. He can certainly handle it better than I can, but as soon as the "less than a year to live" came out it suddenly became very hard. Isn't that strange? I guess when I take my eyes off Him, my weaknesses/sickness become VERY obvious and it's hard to remember that he is strong and this is an opportunity to show His strength. Not in me, not in the doctors, not in a little pill but what He can do.

So I go back to Houston in less than a month once a week for a month, then every other week for a month, then finally once a month. I don't know how long it will last, I suppose it will be based on how the cancer reacts and I tolerate this mysterious pill. Between now and then and I am just going to enjoy the summer, work on the kitchen project (which is going VERY slow, BTW ;) and maybe devote some time to wreaths. Whatever I can do. I don't plan on this much time elapsing between writings either, but I'm sure you guys understand. I will talk to you soon. Thanks for being here.

Choosing My Attitude

As I write this, the year mark of chemotherapy has come and gone. I had some preconceived notion of how this new part of my life was going to go....discover that cancer has joined me again (uninvited, mind you), 6 months of chemo, tumors were going to vanish, I could proclaim "I'm cancer free!" and move on.....but it just isn't that cut and dry. Why on earth did I think it would be?

   Attitude is everything isn't it? Whatever we face in life from the big things (like cancer) or the little things (laundry-ha) attitude can really make a difference. I've been told how strong I am, and I often pause, because, I don't really don't think about it in terms like that....I don't think to myself; "Today, Michelle, we are going to be strong!"....I open my eyes each morning, and I am aware of the blessing that is. I opened my eyes this morning. I am alive another day...and go from there. :) I think a lot of it comes from my personality, easy going, flexible, laid-back..."Oh? We're going to change my regimen for the 4th time? K."

The drug that I am currently on bottoms out my white blood counts, so the doctor has changed my regimen again...chemo every other week with a Nuelasta shot the day after. So we will see how this goes.

I haven't blogged in a while and I would like to announce allllll the things I've done, but, quite frankly not much has been done. On a couple of days that I felt decent, I did do some leg work on figuring out what new counters I am going to select for The Kitchen Facelift: Phase 2. I also purchased some cabinetry (not all) to start that part. It is slow going...but I'm focusing on the going part not the slow part. See? All in the attitude ;)

Another ludicrous ER visit that I have to tell you about. I was innocently eating dinner one night, and because the chemo has weakened my teeth, I cracked a molar in half. Oh no, I think, dental work and chemotherapy is a big no-no (high risk of infection)...so I call the Dr. the next day, I get my blood checked, and he oks me to get the work done. I make an appointment with my dentist and we decide to extract the tooth. I get home after my appointment, everything had gone ok, then around 3 o'clock in the afternoon, I start bleeding from the extraction site. I am changing gauze A LOT. I call the dentist and they tell me to hold ice water in my mouth to help the blood clot...I do this and it doesn't help at all. I will not gross you out with all the details...but we decide to go to the ER because I never stop bleeding. Fast forward to getting back home around 3 am (yes, I bled for a long time) and I am not home 15 minutes and I start bleeding again! I wait to see if it will stop again (another several hours) and it just won't....off to the ER again. As we are rolling into the ER, I check the gauze and I've stopped bleeding. We wait in the parking lot to see if it is going to start up again and it doesn't. We decide to call the cancer institute because my MIL is worried that I haven't eaten or drank anything that I'm dehydrated. They get me in right away and I get a bag of fluids and start feeling a tiny bit better. The bleeding has continued to hold off and we head back home and go to sleep...one of the worst experiences. Ugh.
Fast forward to April 1st (just 4 days after the bleeding saga), I have an appointment to have chemo, guess what? Yep, you guessed it, my hemoglobin was too low to receive chemo. Ugh again. But it was all the blood loss from the tooth extraction (RBC's) not the WBC's as normal. So they send me over to the hospital to get a blood transfusion...which I have never had a transfusion before...so I was a little nervous. It was a very slow process, I got 2 units of blood, and I finally made it home just in time for The Voice. ;) It was a long day. They told me I would start feeling better by today and since I am writing, I suppose I am...the house is still a wreck, but at least I'm awake.

On some much more exciting news...someone that wished to remain anonymous, bought this fantastic necklace for me! It is made by a gal that lives in Joplin (right by me). I first discovered her work at the 2 Friends & Junk Show that she had a booth at...she has an Etsy shop called Tarnished Charm. So somebody saw that I liked this necklace and had it sent to me. I can't believe how generous people are! Remember when a friend sent a juice book to me (Hi Susan!!)??? I am just so thankful to whomever got this for me...actually, it's killing me! I really want to know who it is!! Ha!

Isn't it just beautiful? Thank you to whoever sent this, I love it so much! (just leave your name in the comments, I won't tell anyone)

 

That is everything that has been going on with me lately. I have had a few meltdowns in between, but still trying to maintain a certain level of peace by choosing my attitude.

Thank you for sticking around with me. I hope it won't be too long before I'm back...we'll see what this new juice does for me! :)

The Chemo War

Where did I last leave you? Oh, that's right...I was going to come back after I had recuperated from my last chemo. The thing is I never recouped.

First though, before I delve into cancer issues, I know some of you guys may be disappointed, bored or don't want to read about cancer (not in a bad way, just in a I can't relate way). I just want to say, I get that and I totally understand. In a "blogger" perspective, I'm doing everything wrong...infrequent posting, blogging outside my niche and too far too often, getting "too" personal and probably a whole host of other things that I'm not even aware of. But, I just want to say that if you are here, if you are reading, I want to thank you. Lord, I just typed that and I just rolled my eyes at myself....but if I were in your shoes, would I want to go from reading a fairly active DIY, decorating and crafting blog to reading about cancer??? I don't know. 

Now that I am wearing those shoes, I think about things in a different perspective. I'm not the young go-getter with non-stop energy working all the time and trying to build a brand and get my foot in the door of a world I thought I wanted to be in....Maybe that is what God is trying to teach me? To slow down, look around and enjoy what I have and stop the incessant need to be constantly moving forward, perhaps in the direction He doesn't want me to go. To be at home, to spend time with my boys and family....to...COOK, for crying out loud! :) To teach me to except who and what I am right now. Right here. And not think about petty things that really don't mean anything. I am not talking about giving up on my dreams, I just mean...I'm getting my priorities straight. So, if you're here along with me, I so appreciate that...you guys are this net of lives that when I fall, you catch me and help me get back up. Ugh. I said too much again didn't I?....

SO. I had the new drug...if you remember, the tumors had grown, the doctors switched my chemo after only 3 treatments and I started something new. It was a weird regimen too...chemo on Day 1 (which ever day I started), Day 8, Nuelasta shot on Day 9, then treatment again on Day 21....then the cycle would start over. I had my first treatment on Day 1 and it was ok, we sort of have a routine down now, basically my MIL takes over for me till I feel better...I was so tired and that is normal, but I never started feeling better. Now it's time for Day 8. They always do labs first and I couldn't have chemo because my white blood cells were too low. 2.2 and I think the range starts at 4.4...so I couldn't get chemo and they sent me home. The next day, they call me in to get a shot to help my WBC, something similar to Nuelasta, just fast acting. I went back the next day to check my blood. If the counts had been low still, I would have gotten another shot but they weren't-they had shot up to 13.9!! That is off the charts! I went back home, chemo was to resume on Day 21. I still did not feel good at all and was sleeping a lot...and then the effects of that shot took effect. I still don't fully understand, it is suppose to stimulate white blood cell growth which in turn has a side effect of bone pain. The shot that they gave me was a 'fast acting' type of Nuelasta and the bone/joint pain was so severe, I was laying there on the sofa in tears.

Day 21 is slowly approaching...I am still shuffling around the house and my biggest accomplishments are "I loaded the dishwasher today!". The Sunday before President's Day, Logan and I are at home alone. I get up to go to the laundry room and come around the corner to see that Daisy (our beagle) has gotten into the trash. Ugh. So I'm cleaning up the mess and something happens. I am still not sure exactly...I started getting REALLY hot, dizzy and darkness over my eyes....I walked a few feet and felt this incredible urge to lay down. So I did. Right in the floor. I can't move my arms or legs, I can't get up. I am able to talk and I tell Logan to call Grandma...luckily, there is an icon on my phone, he didn't have to dial any numbers...I hear him calmly tell her that mommy is sick and laying in the floor...I still cannot move. Elaine (my MIL) rushes over so quick she didn't even put shoes on...she's trying to figure out what was happening...I've started hyperventilating....and she decides to call the paramedics (thank you Webb City Paramedics!!!). Anyway, long story short, I finally put my head on my own pillow around 4 am with absolutely no idea what caused what I now refer to as my "episode". I had a follow up appointment with my doctor, I explain to him what happened and he tells me that I had a type of seizure brought on by the antidepressant that he had started me on. Just great. Needless to say, he took me off the antidepressant. Day 21 came around and because of my issues, the doctor dialed back my chemo drug by 20%. Let me tell you...I could really tell the difference. I was still tired, but I started feeling better by the end of the week. I have even had another treatment (another Day 1) and by yesterday I was feeling better (annnnnd another week goes by). I have Day 8 tomorrow, so I hope to bounce back again in a week or so. It's such a tiresome cycle.

That's why the doctor started me on an antidepressant....I mean this chemo thing is just never going to end. I know the reality of my situation...I am terminally ill with stage 4 cancer, at this point the chemo is just a measure to try to stop it from spreading. That's the reality of it...my latest "spring craft" is not reality...not that I have one. :) 

More on reality, I have been trying to eat better to maybe help myself.....who knows.... Steve Jobs was a vegan his whole life and still died of cancer....so I am holding on to the knowledge that everyone is different in cases of cancer. Not that I am going vegan, but vegetarian, with a few slip ups here and there. It's not easy changing how you've been eating your entire life overnight....but I have been trying and that is what counts. 

You might remember that I am a big fan of Kris Carr and inspired by her with her battle with cancer and she recently put out a cookbook for healthy eating (if you are with me on Instagram or FB, you know this). I've tried several of the recipes and I gotta tell you, for meatless-but-you-wouldn't-know-it recipes, I love the book! I have made crab cakes that didn't have crab, but SO good...Justin went crazy for them! Quesadillas made with black beans and avocado and cashew cream cheese that even Logan ate...I mean, maybe I can do this! I bought a food processor people, that is how serious this is!

So that is everything that has happened the last month since I left you...geez, the drama. Some fun DIY news for the near future though...we are going to start on Phase 2 of our Kitchen Facelift. I would go into it now with you but this has just been entirely too long as it is, so I will save it for the next time. 

I want to say that I will talk to you after I recoup from chemo tomorrow, but I don't want to jinx myself!-Ha I will just tell you that I will talk to you soon and thank you so much for your support!

If you want to catch up with me from everything from the Chemo room to my newest necklace ;) find me on Instagram at sweetsomethingdesign or on Facebook: Michelle Edwards.....If I was savvy enough, I'd link to those two things.....but anyway. 

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

I find it extremely hard to believe that my boys are back in school already. I can't decide whether the summer has flown by or if because of chemo gone by at a snail's pace. I feel guilty that the boys haven't really had a "fun" summer and basically been watching me go through chemo week, recovery week(s), decent week and then right back to chemo week. It's a vicious circle.

Logan started first grade and a different school. I like how this school system starts in the middle of the week...I think that helps the kids adjust and then it's the weekend without feeling overwhelmed. If you are wondering why you don't see any pictures of Keegan...well, he just flat out refused 'first day of school pictures'. That's ok though, I plan on getting some next week whether he wants to or not. It's my duty as a mother to get pictures! :)

 School started during chemo week (yikes!) and here I am two days into treatments, bloated with fluids...at least I hope that's what it is ;) My MIL has been an angel, especially this week. We knew it was going to be tough with school and chemo. She has been running around like a champ for me. Getting prescriptions, grocery shopping, doing the dishes, sitting with me in chemo, bringing me lunch during chemo, taking the boys to school, and picking them up etc.....all while working. She is the greatest.

 For some reason, I haven't been telling you the results of my latest 2 cat scans...probably because I've been disappointed in the results. To catch you up to speed...I was to have six months of chemo to try to shrink tumors on my lungs and liver with CT scans after every two treatments. I was really excited to get the results of the first scan....I was expecting the tumors to be smaller...you know, "let's get this cancer!!"...but they weren't. In fact one had even gotten larger. The majority of them are stable. The doctor said this was not bad....well, it is when you daydream about tumors shrinking and/or completely disappearing! The second scan yielded much of the same: stable.

Logan at his desk, how cute! I love this age!

 Well, six months is finally here. This past week was my last week. I should be feeling a little more positive, but really I don't. I might have to stay on chemo.....and basically: I don't wanna!! (Insert whiny voice)

I have my third and final CT scan (for a while) in three weeks and it will determine whether I stay with chemo or not. So I have to wait. For three weeks. I'm sure that it will get here pretty quick and I will be complaining about having to drink the barium....but I am certainly not getting my hopes up.

Last weekend, I planted some succulents in my little homemade planter. Do you remember these? Succulents are about the only thing surviving right now with the drought conditions.

 It won't be long and I will be adding more mums and kale to the flower bed

What I think will happen, although it could change, is that I get the CT scans in hand and go back to NIH in Bethesda. Maybe they will start me on the experimental drug now (that is for my kind of cancer) and forgo the chemo for now (please, please, please). But we will see, right?

The waiting is the hardest part...any Tom Petty fans out there?? :)

I am signing off for now, but I want to thank you all for the emails and comments. I read each one and I know I can't always reply....although I do try...thank you!

No More Bad Hair Days

Never in a million years did I ever think that I would be blogging about cancer, wigs, green lemonade....anything really, other than decorating, crafting...tidbits of life here and there. I suppose that I blog about what is happening in the here and now and well, cancer is the here and now. It is not easy for me to open up and share about cancer and it's effects...every time I sit down it really does occur to me what a terrible writer I am and sharing my inner most thoughts and feelings is just not easily done.
There are so many of you that have reached out to me with support and understanding, stories, advice, prayers....how would I be feeling today if all of you weren't out there pulling for me? You all, along with my family are really helping me, more than I could ever put into words.

Last week I started losing my hair and while it was emotional for me, by the end of this week I was just plain aggravated. It had to go, it was coming out in handfuls...hair EVERYWHERE, I just had to let it go. So Friday afternoon, after the kids got out of school, I sat on a stool in the middle of the kitchen and my MIL shaved my head. Did I cry? Yes, but not for very long. It seemed to me that I started feeling a weight lifted off of me...that for once, I was choosing to do something, instead of the cancer making choices for me...which it's done for a while now.

My hair a couple of months ago, before I started chemo:

 The day of the shave. Most of it had come out and I shed a few tears.

Right now, I'm feeling ok about it. Although, I am FREEZING all the time now. I am cold natured anyway...shave my head and I'm chilled to the bone! I've discovered a few moles (or as my mother always said: beauty marks) on my head that I never knew about. I've been wearing some of my new hats and playing with my scarves...and there is always the wig that I bought to wear too. Keegan took a few days to warm up to the idea of his 'bald' mom...but now we are making bald jokes and moving right along. 

At first, Logan was a little scared, and even though we had talked to him about losing my hair, I don't think he fully understood...but like most kids, he bounced right back and told me he would use his magic to help me grow my hair back...I believe him too.

This was right after we got done, Keegan looking less than thrilled....we are all in shell shock in this picture! I want to take some pictures all dolled up...at least with some make-up so when this cancer is just a memory I can look back and see how far we've come.

(Justin is not in this picture, but he pretty much had the same look on his face as Keegan did!)

I have started reading a book called Crazy Sexy Diet. It is a book written by Kris Carr who changed her entire life to defeat cancer. It is a powerful book that has offered me a lot to think about and presents a lot of ideas to help ME change my life too.  A lot of things she talks about I never even knew or had heard about. I'm almost done with it, but I've already started implementing some things. I will give up eating certain things (processed meats, refined sugars, dairy, etc.) in order to defeat the cancer in my body and live an overall healthier lifestyle. Have you heard of Kris Carr?

I start my second round of chemo tomorrow. Hopefully, I recover faster than I did last time. Talk to you soon! 

Green Lemonade

Thank you so much for all love and support about losing my hair...a lot of you know exactly what I'm going through and I feel better knowing there are a lot of people in my 'virtual corner' :)

You guys know I am not a cook, per say...but I am trying really hard to try to become clean. What does that mean? Well, I've been delving into the world of eating healthy and having a clean body...basically eating right to defeat the cancer. At the beginning of the year (before I knew the cancer had come back), I really wanted to start eating right, and now that the cancer has reared it's ugly head, I am, let's say, a little more determined to begin a healthy lifestyle. A lot of you have share various websites (thank you!) and a good friend of mine told me about Eat To Defeat.com and I have learned a lot reading over there. I bought an inexpensive juicer and tried out a 'green lemonade' recipe. I thought I would share this recipe just in case you haven't heard of it or want to start juicing too.

This recipe calls for the following:

Fist full of Kale (7-8 leaves)

7 Stalks of celery

2 Sweet Apples (cored)

1 Lemon (cut the ends off)

1" of Ginger Root

This was the first time I've ever used a juicer...it was actually really fun! I was amazed with how much juice can be extracted from veggies! It is really loud and I was really clumsy with it at first, but the more I used it, the better I got.

This recipe yields approximately 12 oz. I read too that by drinking the juice, your body isn't spending energy trying to digest the whole foods, the energy is spent cleansing, I had never thought about that .

Of course, everyone wanted to try it, even Logan...which he did not like it and told me so. :)


For me, it was not bad. I think, like with anything, it will take some time to get use to....but I will get use to...the cleaner I get, the better it will taste. I like it ice cold and with a straw.

I am looking for other versions of juice recipes, I bought a diet book dedicated to eating right, so I'm looking towards getting a handle on my health. With every change in lifestyle, it isn't easy. Giving up things like red meat, whole milk...fast food, fried foods...yikes! This is a step in the right direction!
***
If you can believe it (I can't), I do not have any doctor appointments this week! However, my next round of chemo starts next week. Just like they told me...about the time I start feeling better, it would be time to go back. Round two here I come!

Losing My Hair

It has been a lovely week with my sister and niece here. I can't help but think that having my sister here with me this week is an act of God....because this week I have started loosing my hair...she has really been helping me through it~emotionally. I thought it wouldn't effect me, I mean I knew it was going to happen, but I found myself balling and feeling overwhelmed.

Something that I didn't expect, was the strange tingling and what I would describe as 'prickly' feeling all over my scalp. Not total pain, but certainly uncomfortable. I had some ladies in chemo say that exact thing, and they were right. At this point I'm torn between combing it all out daily, or taking the bull by the horns and shave it all off. I've got to let go of the vanity...plus, I'm tired of all the hair everywhere!

The Falls And An Update

Happy Easter Weekend! Can you believe it? Easter? Already? The kids got out of school early for Good Friday and because I was feeling pretty good, we headed to 'The Falls' on the outskirts of Joplin. We typically like going here during the fall time because the trees that are now green turn fantastic fall colors and I love the contrast of of the blue/green water and orange/brown colors.....but these complimentary colors are fine by me too :) Everything is completely leafed out and growing here in MO, we are completely submerged in spring.

I've had some doctor appointments and blood work done this past week...white blood cells are 1.7 (normal: 4.4-11.3), hemoglobin is 10.9 (normal is 12.0-15.6) and some other important 'number' that I can't remember what it's for is 815 but needs to be around 1,000. But they told me that all of that is normal after the chemo. So no crowds, stay away from sick people and become a hand sanitizer junkie....which I am anyway. I've been slowly come around, recouping from the chemo...I'm sleeping normally now (instead of all the time) and the headaches and nausea have past. Fatigue is really what is getting me down right now, but that's probably because of the low numbers above.

*Is Logan too cute or what!! I could hardly keep up with him!*

Also, during spring break two weeks ago, I had an appointment with an endocrinologist. After an ultrasound, we discovered I have an enlarged thyroid and a cyst...so they extracted cells from the thyroid, called 'aspiration'...not the most pleasant procedure...which included a huge bruise on my neck and sickness because of over stimulating the thyroid. Anyway, the results are finally back and they think that it is the cancer too. SO we asked what to do next....surgery to remove the cyst is typical, but because of the chemotherapy (and low white blood cells) surgery will have to wait.

In happier news: My sister and niece are coming to visit all next week and I am super excited to have both of them here!
I was recovering from surgery the last time they were here, so this time I'm glad to be able to truly visit and do things together.

Check out this moss, the kids think I'm crazy for photographing moss and the precarious place I had to perch in which to get this close...but totally worth it. You know what this says to me? God is awesome!

I'm an ocean girl, but when I see stone, water, sky, trees together...it's like a bonus. I know, I'm a geek.
I've started thinking about planning some kind of getaway after chemo is over...I'm not sure if that's healthy or not (mentally). But I feel like I need some incentive to get me through the next six months. I've only had one round of treatment and I can already feel myself thinking (picture someone pulling stubborn donkey) "I don't want to do that again" and "it's going to take a lot to actually go back knowing what is going to happen afterwards" so it seems like an incentive is a good idea....to me anyway :) Like if you make it through ALL your treatments you get to go whale watching in ALASKA! Ha, total dream of mine.
It might work.

I hope all of you have a wonderful, wonderful Easter and a great weekend!